Apply here for Cam’s 12-week virtual adoptive parent training/support group.
*this Q&A was originally part of a series in collaboration with Adopt Well (in the highlight “Youth Adoption”). Thank you to those who took time to ask these questions and for joining me in the discussion.
1) Do other family members typically accept older adoptees or is it odd to them?
Adoption is odd in the first place, we need to really get that out there on the table. The separation from a first caregiver and the expectation to attach to another, that’s odd. Other family members may have reactions to this, and that’s a normative response to a very odd and bizarre situation. That being said, I think it really depends on the kind of worldview your family holds together, and it’s common that each individual within a family system holds a slightly (perhaps even significantly!) different worldview.
Based on that worldview, family members could accept or reject this change in family dynamics. And they might show it in a thousand different ways. Additionally, based on how your family members view the idea of adoption, what it means and what it represents, who it’s for and how it came to be, there can be a wide range of responses to a family member added through the process of adoption.
Lastly, we’ll want to recognize how the question could be framed as “how do the adoptees themselves accept the process of adoption, is it odd to them? and how can we support them throughout that process?”
Typically when we consider the feelings of the ones being adopted, at any age, we will have a better chance at serving their needs as they transition into this very new and different and odd season of their life story. This helps other members of the family, too.
2. Is it beneficial for the child to have contact with bio parents from a young age if possible, especially when parents have been deemed dangerous?
It’s generally beneficial to the extent the children are safe.
I’d want to know who deemed parents dangerous?
And who appointed them to that position to make such a judgment about another?
How is that appointment system set up to favor particular people over others?
Were there any privileges involved in achieving such a role in that system?
Did the bio parents have any say in that?
And how will we know if bio parents take actions (seen or unseen) to become safe, who’s monitoring that and how do they report to adoptive family?
Perhaps even more importantly, who’s helping them become safe, what programs and education are available to really boost them up in that journey?
Children typically will have thoughts about birth family, whether they’re “safe” or not. So, caregivers can hold ambiguous loss/connection with the child as they make sense of those bio parent relationships. You can take a peek at “Ambiguous Loss” along with the Kim & Tucker model for inclusive family support to get an idea of the options for preserving bio parent contact, whether physical/emotional/cognitive.
For many adoptees and foster youth, becoming familiar with all the parts of their story, no matter how uncomfortable, is a great first step to mastering it and integrating it into a larger narrative, one that they can make decisions about rather than the loss/mystery hijacking their heart and mind.
APs facilitating positive contact/cognitions can help with that. As soon as you take responsibility for a child/teen, the ball is not just in bio parents’ court to become a positive presence in the child’s life. Yes they have a responsibility in their own health and restoration. AND you’re all a family now, so you can find respectful and appropriate ways to be involved in that process too.
3) How do you view breaking birth order to adopt an older child?
It matters to the adoptee because a) they’re joining your family through the separation of theirs, b) they’re joining a family, not as an infant but as a non-infant, and c) they’re carrying their own family history, including birth order dynamics from their previous family experience(s).
It matters to the foster/adopt family because significant change in the family system matters. During an initial assessment, counselors gather family history info because, among many things, they’re looking to see how the family functions (or not) and how various disruptions and milestones have shaped relationships and circumstances here and now, before the teen has even stepped foot into your home.
It also may not significantly impact anyone… there could be other factors involved that would protect everyone involved from any major emotional injury/trauma…
I highly recommend meeting with a mental health professional to work through your family of origin to decide and maybe even discover how birth order dynamics operate in your family, and how a significant change would affect that.
Also see Resource Kit for Teens Navigating Adoption
4) What can you expect for the kiddos on both sides (older and younger) when breaking birth order?
Expect adjustment pains, which would be normative responses to stress/trauma, and pray for adjustment joys, which I see as normative responses to warm, wise, safe and compassionate relationships. We can expect this for the family system, and the individuals within it, including and especially parents.
“Can the caregivers handle it?” is a very important question.
There’s going to be an interaction between the family system and the individual(s) being fostered/adopted. We’d want to recognize the adoptee’s history, where are they coming from, etc.?
We can also expect teens to develop their own responses, so part of our job is to sit with that and work together to find more meaningful and satisfying options.
5) Will breaking birth order cause long term damage to either/all kiddos?
Most likely, depending on what you mean by “damage.” There will certainly be a new dynamic to figure out and establish together. Love needs to be updated, in terms of what it looks like for each members to receive and extend it. Depending on how deeply embedded that family patterns and roles are, family members will need to negotiate how those routines and relationships are becoming new, for everyone involved.
Thank you so much for taking time to look into these questions! Of course this does not replace professional psychological care. Please reach out to your local mental health professional for personalized counsel as it relates to your family situation.
Apply here for Cam’s 12-week virtual adoptive parent training/support group.
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Cam Lee Small, MS, LPCC 